Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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