What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
