This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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