oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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