Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
