you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize