Need sex. Gaining weight.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
