As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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