My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
