Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
