Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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