i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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