from now on my penis is your penis
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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