i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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