Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
