the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
