Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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