Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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