I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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