Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When are your genitals available?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
