last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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