Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
