If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
