did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
