when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
