this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize