I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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