We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
