Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
