Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
