mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
