I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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