Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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