Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
