i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
