Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
