She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
