worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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