so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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