just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I only lived at night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
