FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
