Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
