my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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