are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
