My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
