Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
