Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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