the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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