Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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