After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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