Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
