saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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