Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
