Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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