Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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