is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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