my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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