U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
