I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
