Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize