Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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